Mar 12, 2009

Blogging about relationships

So I was what you might call a late bloomer when it comes to dating. I didn't get my first boyfriend until after I was in college, and I didn't really become a slave to my crazy raging hormones until I hit the big 2-0. That being said, when I did start dating, I was already pretty entrenched in several blogs that I kept, and I already had a sizable readership, including several of my close friends. While I knew that bitching about my friends on my blog(s) was a pretty dangerous undertaking, and which I for the most part avoided, I had a very hard time keeping my romantic relationships out of my blogs.

I'm not really sure what it is about dating that makes it so tempting to blog about it for the whole world to see. Probably has something to do with all of the hormones clouding your judgment. Regardless, whether it's because the relationship is going very well or because it's going down the toilet, or even because it's ended and you can't seem to stop thinking or talking about it, it's hard to keep that part of your life out of your blog. Even if you know blogging about it in a very public forum could cause problems with your partner (or ex) and even with your friends.

During my senior year of college/first year of grad school, I was in a fairly tumultuous relationship. Both of us kept blogs, both of us read each others' blogs, and both of us had a fair number of mutual friends and acquaintances who also read both of our blogs. Both of us also were better at communicating with each other through our blogs than we were with communicating with each other face to face. It all turned out very badly, and at least among my friends very publicly because of the whole blog things, and because of that, I've been fairly reluctant to blog about my relationships in a public forum ever since.

Still...sometimes I do mention my relationship here and elsewhere, and sometimes, I don't always have nice things to say. Don't get me wrong. I'm completely nuts about Kellen and he's a super wonderful guy and I have no complaints whatsoever about him. But long distance blows, and there is a part of me that really wants to talk about how lonely and frustrating it can be sometimes. I'm hesitant though, because I don't want him to think that I blame him for the situation (I don't) or don't appreciate how hard he works to include me in his life and to make me feel loved, even miles apart (I do). It's one of those topics I have to tread lightly: what is it okay for me to talk about? what is off-limits for public discussion? how can I talk about this in a way that makes it clear it's the circumstance, not the boyfriend, that I want to address?

Blogging about your relationship is rarely ever an easy topic to wade into, although it seems like something that is so important is almost impossible to avoid writing about on occasion. How do you deal with writing about relationships in your blog? Have you ever had any times when blogging about your relationship backfired?

10 comments:

  1. The last serious relationship I had was strange when it came to blogging. When we first started flirting I would post dumb little updates on my tumblr.

    She seemed to be fine with it, but later came out to say that she didn't like to post about her relationships online because she thought it was "showy." I quickly followed suit because I didn't care much in either direction.

    Later on (about a month before the whole thing imploded) she confronted me to ask why I didn't post about her anymore. It was a really strange double standard and I think she was using it as some sort of litmus test.

    I don't think that some sort of bizarre Julia Allison level blog-contract is needed, but both people should at least have a casual conversation about it so it doesn't become an unintended obstacle.

    As a post script to my relationship story, I ended up posting a few items about being regretful about how it all ended with a hint of longing for how it used to be. As soon as that happened, she IMed me and accused me of not being able to let go. Ironically, her hovering over my blog never struck her as a strange thing to do, apparently. Maybe it was more systemic of me dating a hypocrite more than anything else

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    1. helo freinds
      welcome to this site
      thanks for this quote about relation ship
      pls log on to..........
      dainik bhasker

      Delete
  2. hey, so i found your blog through kristin's, and we've actually met a couple times (through kristin, but also we have a bunch of mutual apo friends). all three of my relationships have been blogged, in the last 13 years i've been blogging, but on very very different levels.

    the first one, we were never in a real relationship, and he actually caused fights with my sisters in the guestbook (this was before commenting was a function). so i never ever EVER talked about anything except if we went and did something fun. but it was always about me and my experience and that he was just someone who came along.

    the second one, we didn't "out" our relationship until a few weeks later because of potential apo drama. thankfully i was graduating, and i didn't give a crap anymore. the break-up though... it wasn't public, but i just talked less and less about him (and it was long distance once i moved) and eventually just confirmed that things were off for my fellow readers, who were usually my sisters.

    the third one is thankfully my husband, so i can write whatever and never feel like i have to censor myself.

    i think the key is to confront serious issues in person (or phone) so that it's never taken out of context from the written word. if you're feeling anything negative that you want to air out, just make sure you write it from a personal perspective. i think there's that rule about saying, "i feel _____" instead of starting with "you did this and you did that".

    the beauty of blogs (for me) is the personal journey that people choose to share with the world, and if we all keep it completely scrubbed, it's not even worth reading or writing for that matter.

    okay, long-windedness over. :o)

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  3. "the beauty of blogs (for me) is the personal journey that people choose to share with the world, and if we all keep it completely scrubbed, it's not even worth reading or writing for that matter."

    Agreed. :)

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  4. Erik - way to use a Julia Allison reference!

    I often write and post pictures of what I've been doing so I end up referencing the people I'm hanging out with a lot but never really defining who they are for my blog readers. I was talking to a friend recently about a guy I'm dating and she was like "oooh that's who that guy on your tumblr was."

    Usually when I blog past the surface-y stuff is when the relationship is long over. Then I feel like I can say whatever I want and express feelings more from a distance than accidentally posting something in a moment of clouded thought. However, I did this a couple months ago using overly cryptic language, but the guy it was about read it and then he misinterpreted it and things got kind of weird between us for awhile.

    I don't know, I'm pretty conservative when it comes to blogging about relationships, but I love to read blogs about relationships. I commend anyone who can put it out there!

    "the beauty of blogs (for me) is the personal journey that people choose to share with the world, and if we all keep it completely scrubbed, it's not even worth reading or writing for that matter."

    "Agreed. :)"

    ITA

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  5. I once wrote a poem and posted it on my blog. It was titled I Lost My Way.

    It was about a girl who fell out of love with her boyfriend. I think all my friends and my boyfriend's friends were like "You two broke up?"

    But it wasn't about him. It was about another guy that I fell out of love with.

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  6. do visit my blog: http://shoegaldiaries.blogspot.in/

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  7. Hey thanks for the great post. Very deep. I will continue to read one

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