Apr 8, 2009

Is moving back home with your parents really that weird?

There are many who argue that moving back home with your parents after college or after entering the real world is somehow synonymous with failure. Young adults who move back home are often characterized as people who have failed to grow up, given names like "kidult" and "adultolescents", all which stress the idea that these are people who have not yet exited childhood. In talking about this group, there is often an emphasis on the fact that people who move back home obviously do so to avoid the real world, to delay adult responsibility, to receive hand-outs and free services from mom and dad, and generally speaking, to act like moving home is a permanent grade school summer vacation of endless laziness and self-indulgence.

However, this isn't necessarily true. Many kids are moving back home because it seems like the most financially responsible thing to do. Considering that entry level wages have not kept up with the pace of inflation, most 20-somethings are less able to be financially independent than their parents were 30 years ago, even when they are in the same fields or positions. Beyond that, young adult employment rate is twice as high as that of the general employment rate, and at a time when many are being laid off, companies are often hiring older, more experienced employees in positions where they once would have hired those fresh from college, or those who might have been retiring have delayed doing so because they've lost a large percentage of their retirement funds in the stock market.

Because the number of people who have college degrees have gone up over the years, it means that young people often have to get more education to perform the same jobs—leaving 20-somethings entering the work force later than previous generations and with more debt. Many see living with their parents as a way to reduce their own spending, while paying down debt and saving for their future. Other things that have been regularly cited as reasons for young people to delay striking out on their own: they are remaining unmarried and childless longer, they often delay entering the workforce to volunteer or to travel, and generally speaking are taking on the traditional responsibilities of adulthood later.

Knowing all of that, why is there still the stigma that moving back home with your parents is a sure sign of failure to grow up?

Well, because for the last 100 years or so, moving out has been the moment that has defined both adult independence and adult success. While perhaps in the earlier half of the century unmarried women might remain in their parents' home after receiving an education, overwhelmingly the marker of adulthood has been getting a job and living on your own. However, Stephanie Coontz, an academic who specializes in history and family studies, says that this has not always been the case. In the 19th century, it was not as uncommon to see adults living with their parents as it is today. In fact, it wasn't until there was a cultural shift in the 1950s regarding what constitutes a happy marriage and a happy family that people began to discourage adult children from living with their parents. Looking at living with your parents and notions of adulthood and independence in this light, it begins to become clear that what constitutes adulthood and independence are more social constructs than anything. But...does that still mean you've failed to "grow up" by our cultural standards? Have you failed in our society?

I don't think so. More and more adult children are moving back home, and not so they can spend all day watching porn in their basement-cum-living-quarters while Mom does their laundry and brings them PBJ sandwiches all day long. Most these days have jobs, have financial obligations they are meeting, and are contributing financially and/or in terms of responsibilities in their parents' home. Some parents even say it's given them a financial break. Also, many families cite that it has fostered closer inter-generational relationships and that they feel like they appreciate and respect one another more for the experience. That's not always the case, obviously, but...

I'd say that rather than writing off every kid who moves back home as just another mooching slacker, we should argue that moving back home could actually be a responsible thing to do and the sign not of failure, but rather of a smart transition into adulthood. And just like there was a shift in the 50s of what constituted adulthood and independence (and also when adulthood and independence was socially conferred upon a person), then it's entirely possible we're going through a similar cultural shift now. In 10 years, living with your mom and dad could be completely normal. As it stands now, I would say that before we make any arguments about whether young people are actually "failing to grow up" simply because they're going back to their parents' home, maybe we should evaluate the individual circumstances and see how the concept of adulthood and independence are changing, perhaps not even necessarily for the worse.

100 comments:

  1. I am almost 28 and have been living with my dad since September because I have no other option. Although I won't be staying here much longer, part of me wishes I could in order to aggressively pay down the debt I've accrued being a 20-something; student loans, credit cards (that I have had to somewhat live off of because of losing my job(s)), and dental payments (because so many jobs don't give medical/dental anymore).

    Part of me definitely does not want to grow up, but for the most part, I am doing all this BECAUSE I AM financially responsible and have no choice other than to file for bankruptcy or run away...Does that sound responsible?

    When our parents were our age, they could buy a house for the cost of their yearly salary. Maybe they made $30K, but the prices of homes were $30K too! Now we make $30K AFTER a master's degree and the median house price (in Seattle) is $450K.

    Just sayin'...

    This was a very well written post. Keep it up.

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  2. I had to do it once in my 20s, because it was the responsible thing to do.
    If your arrangement doesn't represent a major hazzard for your privacy and personal development, and it allows you to be in touch with your loved ones for a while until you regroup and find a proper way forward, I can't see what's wrong with it.
    I reckon those are big ifs, and some people will still be shallow and insensitive about such situations, but those are precisely the people you don't want anywhere close to your life anyway, so why care ?

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  3. Rachel, I completely agree. My mom is always flabbergasted when I tell her the cost of homes up here. (The boyfriend and I have looked around a little, just to see what we can expect.) She has this rule for buying a home: "The home price should be equal to your annual income." Now I think the rule financial advisors are giving is, "The home price should be less than or equal to THREE TIMES your annual income."

    Ridiculous. Anyhow, thanks for the responses, both of you. :)

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  4. Rachel, why the hurry to move out? I understand there may be social reasons, but it seems that the economic reasons favor you staying put.

    I now have two friends, one a year older and one seven years younger than me, who never had to pay rent. They lived in their parents' homes (though these were both rental properties) through college and after getting jobs. Neither were ever unemployed. They just didn't have delusions of being able to ever afford a house without some hefty savings/assistance. This allowed them both to purchase homes recently. Now they are truly independent and considerably better off than I am.

    The funny part is that I'm now the one getting the "when you grow up" from them because they are homeowners and I still rent an apartment.

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  5. Crazy Nut Job - honestly, I'd be staying put, but my dad is putting his house on the market in June and moving to Arizona. He has told me I can go with him, but I'd rather go to f-ing Afganistan than Scottsdale. Also, by this time next week I could be gainfully employed if all goes well. Fingers crossed.

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  6. Great points all, and articulately posed. I'd further complicate matters by suggesting that the burden of domestic independence is, from what I can tell, a chiefly American phenomenon. In Latin America, in fact, it's more or less typical for individuals to live with their parents indefinitely, until marriage (and possibly after). There's a number of cultural reasons to account for this, however, such as stronger familial cohesion and widespread Catholic tradition (which emphasizes parental supervision to protect young 'uns from those pesky urges).

    Also, we're damned with a little thing we like to call The American Dream, which praises and protects the right of the individual to succeed, especially economically, against all odds. Problem is, when we don't succeed due to remarkably strenuous pressures, we feel (or others feel) as though we're rejecting a birthright, or that we've somehow failed to make good on the promise allowed all industrious citizens. You know, the whole "make something of yourself" directive. Sadly, these days The American Dream mostly favors prodigies and protégés, and as I was recently telling my therapist, I'm neither. Although since I'm 25, married, and living on my own with a halfway decent job I probably have little right to bitch.

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  7. hello katie..found your blog at 20sb..care for ex links!?!?

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  8. by the way, katie, can i ask you a favor to kindly vote for me here!?!?thank you katie!!! happy blogging!

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  9. Jon,
    we all have a right to bitch...I think that's a part of the American Dream too ;)

    Katie, great post...I find this whole "anti-20-something" attitude in the older generations interesting and really enjoy your outlook on it!

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  10. I agree with you, I hate stereotypes like that. I never actually move out in the first place, although I already have a place which I rent out to people right now.

    But it's more of the culture based reason. Asian parents, asian family values, etc so girls cant actually move out unless they're married. Yesss, that sucks. :P

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  11. Moving back home has such a stigma because it symbolizes going back to where you started from--and usually that means you've stumbled at some point in life.

    I don't think it's a bad thing for people to move back in when they need it. That being said, if I had to do it I think I'd cry...a lot.

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  12. I agree with you 100%. I read the post you linked too, and I don't think it's fair to say that living with your parents = failure. There are so many different circumstances.

    Take someone who has just graduated college, is still looking for a job, has student loans to pay off, and moves home for a time to get things sorted out - vs someone in the same situation, but refuses to move home and gets deeper and deeper into debt. who's the failure?

    There are certain people who take "living at home" to the extreme, and I think it gets dangerous when there is no end in sight.

    Anyway, I'm just rambling now. I guess my point is that I don't look down upon people who are living with their parents.

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  13. Nuffin wrong with moving back home in these tough times. Save your money!

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  14. I think its ok to move back at first. But its bad when people stay too long. Im russian and alot of russians live with their parents forever or till they get married. I think you have to live on you won, that is if you have a job to support it of course.

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  15. Of course, one thing you don't touch on is that many people go to college and start a life far away from 'home', or are estranged from their parents, and returning back home is not a CHOICE.

    I was laid off in 2000, returned home for 3 months to get back on my feet again, and returned to college. While I love my parents, and would enjoy spending more time with them, I'm living my own life now. It's called independence for a reason.

    But, if you're all about saving money to buy a house, or whatever, I have no problem with that, my path is my path. You don't need to come with me.

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  16. Sean, I talked about NOT being able to move back home in a different post: http://twenty-x.blogspot.com/2009/03/they-say-you-can-never-go-home-again.html

    My parents live in a small town far from any cities, any major industry. After I went off to college, there was no possibility for return for me because there are no jobs there, especially not in my field. I live 2000 miles from my parents now. Believe me, this is an issue I am very familiar with.

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  17. this was such a well-constructed argument for why it's not a sign of failure to have to move back in with the parents. i feel a little bit better about being with my boyfriends' parents.

    although i will say, kim, you said you'd cry a lot --- i didn't cry when we moved back, but i came really close. and on moving day, me and my boyfriend were irritable because we felt like we were moving backward, not forward like we're "supposed" to. lol

    but it's all for the best really.

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  18. just came across this after searching for opinions on this topic as my 22-year old son moved back home with me, my partner, and my other son. my partner thinks that my 22 year old is irresponsible and doesn't want to grow up and that he won't unless he DOES get back out on his own! i disagree, and as his mom, wish to support him in reaching his goals. he is interning at two studios and working 30 hours a week for $8/hour in Chicago. He is busy every day, rarely a moment to himself and though he has made some mistakes, like bringing a girlfriend overnight without permission, I stand by him and wish to support his growth by offering guidance and financial support while he saves his earnings for future --- it is not easy having a combined family and trying to justify your position as mom and get through this stuff, but I don't think it's an easy time for twenty somethings either -- I appreciate this post author's point of view tremendously! Thank you

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  19. I'm glad this could be useful! If your son is working and you don't feel taken advantage of, and you both understand this is only a temporary situation, then I'd have to say there is nothing unhealthy about the situation. Mostly just figuring out how to adjust to having so many personalities in the house. ;)

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  20. I think current economic conditions have forced more and more people back home. It is hard to move back home to a small town where most other people in their mid-20s are married and starting lives of their own. I am going to start grad school this summer and hopefully this won't last but one school year. It is still tough, though, there is definitely a stigma of failure attached to you by most people.

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  21. I'm in the same boat. After losing my job, i am being forced to move back in. I felt as this was a failure, but after reading this article I feel much better :)

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  22. Thanks so much for this article. I am about to move out of my parents' house (again) and start an internship at a therapy center for kids with autism. I have been struggling with trying to find a job and dealing with the depression from getting up every day and looking for something that is no longer there. Recently I have found part time work with a local school district and have found a new calling (before this I worked as a newspaper reporter). I am 26 years old, have only had to backtrack for a little over a year (and am damn lucky to have parents to take me in), and am trying to keep my head up in these tough times. Peace.

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  23. I'm 27. I got a house when I was 22 but suffered forclosure about 18 months ago. Then I moved back home and lost my job and vehicle 6 months back. There arent any decent paying jobs in small towns unless you have a college degree, which of course puts you in alot more debt. Still there are more degree holders than high paying jobs. Inflation has risen alot more than minimum wage, and minimum wage makes it hard to live on your own- hence forclosure( how I got the house in the first place was a miracle. Seeing how the economy is, I know that I'm screwed. Thankfully I dont have any children of my own.

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  24. Ahh, this post has stopped me from spending my day crying - my boyfriend admitted last night that he can't afford our rent for much longer (he's self-employed and the financial climate is taking it's toll) and doesn't feel there's any option but to move back to his parents for a while (me with him of course), so he can save money. We're both in our late 20's and I've lived out of home (on my own and then with him) for 3 years so I am feeling it's a huge failure (god knows what my parents will say) but having read this article and spoken to a close friend I've learnt that's it's actually going to be one of the best decisions my boyfriend and I could make.
    What would the alternative be - stay renting, building up debt to the point it'd cause so much stress and ultimatums that we could split up?
    I now feel happier to do it, so long as it's for no longer than necessary.
    Thanks Katie :-)

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  25. Hi Katie,
    I was married for 16yrs, had a son from that who is mentally handicapped. I was able to stay home w/ him, fight the school system occassionally for him as well. In doing so, my son was able to get free medical insurance thru the state where we are. They informed me though,if I went back to work, the insurance would be cut off. So,I had to "gladly" stay home, which was fine until my marriage disolved. I had and have no training in anything and did not know what to do. I of course, had to move back home w/ parents and live in their finished basement. Something I did not want,but had to do. After moving back home, getting my son into a new school,ect. I started thinking of things I wanted to accomplish and I also was coaxed back into the dating world. Started thinking and shopping around for schools, looking at what schools were affordable,if I could somehow get free tuiton somehow for low-income women..ect,ect. Would also meet men for coffee and really did not seem to know what to do w/ myself. Did not know what feild to go into..ect. blah,blah. I felt lost!!
    I had been married for 16 long yrs and was accustomed to staying at home carring for my son.
    Getting out into the world seemed very scarry and even if I had a new education,how would I afford everything on my own?? About this time, I met and actually fell for a man I had met for coffee and we started dating. He did not like the idea that I had moved back home and seemed to have no direction. But he dated me non-the-less and we seemed to really hit if off other than the snag of me living at home. For stupidity reasons, and hind sight is 20/20...this man lied ab. having a vasectomy and I wound up pregnant and later had his daughter. He was a game-player and I never saw it coming. Others have told me I should have used protection anyway...but..who lies ab. having a vasectomy?? Anyway, my parents were in shock when I told them of my new child on the way and how I was suckered into the whole nightmare. They agreed this man was going straight to h**!! They of course understood my dilima and of course I would have to hold off on school now!! NOT what I wanted. This man told me I was trying to trap him and insisted that he "had" a vasectomy. I have had many problems since w/ this worm(who pays child support) and am still living w/ parents. Looking for work from my computer or work from home due to having a little-one running around. Any help for now would be much appreciated unitil the baby goes to pre-school. Daycare is VERY expensive!! And everyone keeps telling me thats the only logical route out of my parent's house..to stick the baby in daycare I cant afford. I would have to fight the father in court to get him to pay for any daycare Im sure. He pays very little in child support thus far as well. How hard is it to become a web-writter or editor?? Would I need a degree for such things? Christal.bailey55@yahoo.com

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  26. Growing up has nothing to do with living on your own or living with your parents. There are many who live with their parents that are very grown-up and there are many living on their own who are still very childish. In fact, there are many who are married, have children, and have jobs that are still, in many ways, very childish. Being grown up has more to do with how you think and how you act (or react) than anything else.
    Do you take responsibility for your actions?
    Do you pay your bills?
    Do you take criticism without getting defensive?
    Do you carry on conversations with people who disagree with you without getting angry?
    Do you work hard?
    Do you do your share of household chores?
    Do you take care of yourself and your belongings?
    Do you contribute to household?
    Are you patient?
    Do you meet difficulties with courage and determination?
    Do you see things from the points of view of others?
    Do you accept short-term pain for long-term gains?
    Do you keep your word?
    Do you treat others with respect?
    These are the kinds of things adults do. If you do these kinds of things, you are an adult, whether you live with your parents or not.

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  27. If i haven't done it myself I would say yes, moving back with your parents it is a weird. But i did it a few months ago and it is not so bad, I'm saving money and can concentrate on my future without financial worries so I never move back to them again:)

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  28. This seems to be great site for home moving companies Austin Movers it provides rental trucks for moving where we can select the best one out of them for saving your time and money. I had been relying on http://heartoftexasmoving.com earlier and they too offered good stuff.

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  29. I'm nervous about asking my parents for this kind of help but I have no other option open right now and this entry actually helped relieve me of some of my stress on this situation thank-you

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  30. I am 30 yrs old just moved back from the west coast after leaving a terrible job. The job I was working at I had filed a harassment/bullying claim against 2 of the longest standing employees in a 8 person office. The management did nothing about it and basically brushed it under the rug. After going on anxiety/depression medication etc I ended up quiting. My lease was up on my apartment and I left the west coast and went the 2000 miles back home.
    It is week 3 living back with the parents and it has not been a walk in the park; as to mom commenting on a $10 manicure and spending money friviously it is quite a change! I have been on several interviews for a new position to get back on my own feet but I hate depending on other people! I have been biting my tongue so many times these last few weeks and I am going crazy!!! A Mc Donalds drive thru job might be a financial change from my $40,000 that I was making but at least I would not have to depend on anyone else financially!
    Encouraging words or ideas to make this situation work would be MUCHO appreciated!

    Thanks!

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  31. I had moved home after a seperation for 6 months because the rentals were better in the summer months. I did not like it and was happy to move. My parents house was small and they like they're own space too. but it worked.

    Now my boyfriend is suggesting moving in to help his parents to maintain they're home. I am considering it as we would have a separate living space and it is better to help family and be able to spend time together. I hate the reaction people have to that. Like it is a failure to move home. The cost of living is going up and parents get older and need help. Makes sense to help out so they can enjoy retirement! WIN WIN!

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  33. lol,

    Ok, if you live of "Kreditcard" you deserve to get bankrupt. CAMON!

    I maked a deal with my parents that i can move back for max of 6 months, in any event.

    BUT
    this is a fail option. If everything goes south.

    Most of the homelivers are there to have a better live. Like traveling and not working.

    So :
    You are a failure OR your are lazy. Deal with it.

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  34. I've lived on my own since graduating from college in 2004. I had decent paying work in the media, modest but nice apartments, and a true sense of independence. Then...I was laid off. Now at age 28, I've had to move back to my mother's house (great food!), can't find work, am increasingly depressed, have mounting debt, and don't see an end in sight. How the hell did we get here?! Almost makes you wish you would've skipped college (and student loans) and started working a blue collar job straight out of high school. I've been told I'm "over-qualified" too many times. The present...SUCKS!

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  35. I can say it depends on the circumstances and the point of view. Some people will tell you that moving back to your parents is like a step back, but in reality they don't know what you have been through, what has been happening. After you explain them then they realise the truth.

    moving company

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  36. Moving home again is both good and bad. Truthfully, I've been depressed living alone in the city. I never was able to maintain satisfying and stable social relationships. I also started smoking, using drugs and being generally irresponsible. I'm not saying I didn't learn anything or that I didn't have a lot of good times or that I screwed up too badly (I mean, I am graduating with a good gpa)but, I need some time away from all of these attractive and intriguing city dwelling art students...and the bums.

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  37. I have been living alone for years in a town I dont know very well. I am depressed and lonely. my parents live in a beautiful quiet village I grew up in and I really want to move back there. Not to be lazy or anything but because it would make me much happier living in a place I grew up in with my parents and away from the public. I dont speak to many people and feel awkward

    Maybe I'm not moving on in life but I dont want to. I work and can cycle to work which would get me fitter. Moving back home will never feel like failure, its my only real way to survive. Living in a house by myself is killing me with depression and I cant meet girls etc.

    Freedom is not having your own place, its living somewhere where you feel alive

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  38. Intriguing stuff you write about. Thinking of publishing any new feeds to your blog ?

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  39. I think it's strange how everyone reports getting along so good with their parents. My personal experience has been seeing the entire fabric of American society stressed and torn, engineered and manipulated into a terrible toxic stew. The American family system is toxic.

    I'm surprised people have such glowing reports. We live in the most financially stressed times ever in human history, and all research points towards a big elephant in the room nobody wants to admit they see. This is going to get worse, and never improve. My parents are stressed and my entire family is exhibiting patterns of bullying and psychological abuse. There is no where else to go...

    I think it is cute how everyones living situation sounds so balanced. Its reads like a Facebook profile, or Fakebook.

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  40. Agree with Anonymous above. Few of the moving home articles seem to address moving in with toxic, psychologically abusive and controlling parents. Do that many people really have a "Leave it to Beaver" kind of life, or is there something deeper at work here?

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  41. I will also agree with the last 2 comments. I am living back at my parents to save money with my current job,(I don't make enough with P/T work to pay rent) and find a better job in the meantime. My dad is driving me up the wall with a very arrogant annoying body mannerism/body language vibe.(nothing verbal yet, but the message is very obvious) I help out with all kinds of things, pay for what I use financially mostly cut firewood and all the labor chores, and clean up my own shit. I am not f***ing lazy. I am very respectful, don't party or hang out with anyone very often, just trying to do the best I can with what I've got. Can't wait till I'm out of this shit and can have my own peace of mind. I know others are in the same boat. Good luck to all out there...

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  42. I've lived on my own since I was 18. I went to college. Got an ok job at a "great" company and got married with child. Now I'm divorced and 28. My employer cut my wages the last round of lay offs and put me on third shift. This round I may lose my job. Between child support and the pay cut I don't really make enough to rent a basic apartment by myself and pay all utilities. If I'm laid off that won't even be possible. The only reason I stay in this crappy rural area is my son, but I'm sad to say that if I'm laid off, I'm going to live with my parents in a much larger community with more job prospects.

    Besides, my parents are wonderful and I've never not gotten along with them and the love is mutual. Also, my mom is entering the final stages of huntington's disease so my presence would probably be a welcome one. I would love to be able to spend some time with her while I still can.

    Don't fight the housing prices they have been overly inflated for decades. Don't buy houses without 10% down. Haggle. Don't get ARMs. Stay at home, help your parents with their mortgage and save some for your escape plan.

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  43. This is a good article. Depicts a clear picture of our society today.

    Mike @ Relocation - Always Moving Stuff

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  44. entitlement pretty much sums up today's young adults. Parents
    worked their butts off to get ahead and get their kids in good schools and into college. Most believe what parent have they should have immediately without realizing parents worked for years.
    Get a job spend less than you make save for the future. What the
    American Dream used to be.

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  45. my daughter is 27 when she moved back home she had 1 child 5yrs old, and a boyfriend, to top it all off she was pregnat with the 2nd child. My daughter helps around the house, doing chores, buying groceries, running a few errands. Other then that she does nothing. Now her boyfriend who just moved himself right in has no job does nothing around the house but sleep and run our electric bill up because he stays up all night playing video games. When he was working he helped out by payig rent for himself. Now he hasnt been working in over 6 months, and no lie he litteraly does nothing that doesnt benifit himself, my daughter will spend money on him getting him everythign he wants, its like a reward she gies him for being a lazy moooching bum. Mind you , I love my daughter and grandkids , but I want them and especially the boyfriend, out of my house. My bills have tripled, my husband is supporting all 4 of them and trying to keep a roof over our heads, and the electric, water, and gas, internet bills on, with no help from theboyfriend, i need to mention too that my daughter just got a job after nearly a year, and if she needs money she runs to other family members making us look like the bad guys. So while all you kids think its great to move back home and not have a job or even bother to help out towards the bills,think about your parents and their bills. It took us 3 years living in another state alone to get our bills down after my daughter and her last boyfriend moved out, now her new boyfriend and her 2 kids and herslef have moved back in. Its not all peaches and cream for the parents, we have no privacy, we clean around the clock now, we stress now over the bills because they have doubled and tripled and the kids dont help. So whileall of you are posting how its so great to m ove back home, make sure you have a job , and here is my saying,, "ANY JOB IS A JOB THESE DAYS, EVEN IF IT MEANS MOWING LAWNS" help your parents out or move the hell out and learn to deal with your own issues on your own. My daughters Boyfriend wont even apply for a job unless its offering to pay over 12 an a hour, yet he has a new born child to care for and he isnt because he refuses to work, he wont even help around the house, becuase he claims he needs 16 hours of sleep to function for 8 hours,and of those 8 hours he is sitting in front of a pc playing games. So please dont just think of yourselves kids when you move home, think about what financial burden you will be putting on your parents who raised you for 18+ yrs and now your moving back in to what ? freeload and mooch ? and bring your boy/girl friends and kids with you ? There is a line that needs to be drawn , its time for the kids to grow up much like most of us parents had to and fend for yourselves.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
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