Apr 13, 2009

"So when are you going to reproduce?"

Yesterday the boyfriend and I spent Easter with his parents, my future in-laws. While we were sitting around talking after dinner, the future mother-in-law (henceforth known as FMIL) and my boyfriend's brother's girlfriend (henceforth known as H2) started talking about weddings. H2 and my boyfriend's brother (henceforth known as H1) started dating something like six years ago, when they were still in high school, and so like the boyfriend and me, it's pretty much a given they will get married eventually.

As H2 started talking about all of her big wedding plans, I got kind of excited that someone else would be doing the big wedding that the boyfriend's family is so fond of, and I chirped in (stupidly), "Good! That means the pressure's off me to have the big wedding!"

Wrong thing to say.

FMIL swivels to give me a hard look. "Oh, so that's what you think?" She was just kidding, but it did mean that suddenly the scrutiny over wedding dates was now on me. So the question had to be asked (as it is regularly asked by all of my relatives too), "So when are you getting married?"

I really hate the question, "When are you getting married?" I have no idea when I'm getting married. I don't even know when I'm getting engaged. That alone could be over a year away. So wedding? I don't know. And when I look to my boyfriend to help me out, he's staring very pointedly off into space, faux ignoring the whole conversation. Thanks, boyfriend!

Luckily, I have some experience with this question, and I managed to deflect through the magical powers of the "My boyfriend is still in college" excuse. Unfortunately, though, answering this question just means it's time to move on to bigger fish. You know the question I'm talking about.

"So when are you going to have kids?"

Uhhhh... I think it's worth pointing out that my boyfriend is still in school. We're only 24, three years younger than any of our parents were when they started spawning. Kellen doesn't even have health insurance. On what planet are we qualified to have kids? (Don't answer that. I know many people think functioning reproductive organs are all you need to qualify for baby-making.) And, you know, I'm not ready to have kids. I want to enjoy my size 4 bikini body while I have it. I want to enjoy my free time while I have it. I want to enjoy traveling and snuggling with my boyfriend and going to movies whenever I want and getting to do nothing in the evenings and the weekends and pretty much whenever the eff I want for as long as possible. I want to start a savings account and pay off my credit card debt and get to enjoy my income for a while.

I just don't want children right now. It's not even something I really want to discuss. And while I know my response to the question probably leads people to believe I don't want children at all or that I'll be a selfish mother if I do have them, neither of these is true. I just want my life to myself for a little while longer. I know that's horribly selfish, but better for me to indulge that impulse now than a few years from now when I do have children.

I don't know. It's a question that makes me nervous just answering it. I know people are going to pass judgment no matter how I answer the question, and I know there are going to always be rebuttals. "But, dear, no one is ever ready to have children." Maybe not. But I know a lot of people who make the decision that now is the best time, actually go out of their way to try to have them, and then are very, very excited when they find out they are pregnant. I don't want to have children at any point in my life if the response to the plus sign is tears. I know that day will come at some point in the probably not too distant future, but for now, I'm happy with my life the way it is.

Anyhow. Apart from that, I had a really lovely weekend. I love the boyfriend's parents and had a great time hanging out with them this weekend. I'm super happy that they will be my kids' grandparents someday, because they are wonderful, wonderful people. I just hope everyone is cool with the fact that for now my reproductive mantra is, "No babies."


  1. I hate that question. I also hate it when people ask me what we're going to name our children. Are you kidding me? Let us conceive first, please!

    I do get annoyed with people asking when we're going to get married because we have no clue. Life is so fickle. One day I was earning a decent paycheck at a mediocre job and now I'm sitting on my couch watch the Alvin and the Chipmunks movie (layoffs are a bitch). Maybe tomorrow he'll win the lottery and buy me a five carat diamond ring...or maybe it'll take two more years of hard work before he can afford a one carat diamond ring. I don't care either way...I love him enough that I like taking one day at a time with him. I know my family and friends get excited about weddings and babies, but at my insistence, they're learning to chill out.

    Glad you had a fun weekend, despite that!

  2. I hate those questions! My boyfriend and I are also 24 and we've been dating for almost 6 years and now that we're both out of school we've been getting the "when are you getting married" questions all the time (only from his family tho, my parents are smart enough to know better than to ask me that right now).

    And the truth is, we don't plan on getting married for at least another 3 years. We're done school, working, having fun and we want to enjoy being young while we can. We both know we're always going to be together so whats the hurry? and Kids? pftt please no time soon.

  3. I'm 30 and finally engaged. I am totally NOT ready to have kids. Don't be worried about being 24 and not ready!!!

  4. I'm 28, I've been married for 3.5 years, with my husband for almost 10, and I STILL dread this question. Because the answer is "in about 5 years, if ever."

    It's no one's business but your own, and feel free to lie your ass off in response to this rude question.

  5. Yikes. Sorry. That's the most exruciating question, I probably may wanna vomit if anyone asks me when I'm going to have kids or married. Not ready. At all.

  6. As someone who gets question costantly a& is 27 i feel ur pain & annoyance. What is people and that question?! It's like I'll get married when we r ready and until then we will continue to live, love & screw in sin for as long as we see fit. It doesn't bother us so it shouldn't bother any one else.

  7. I have a buddy. He used to say that he an his wife were not going to have kids. People would ask, "Why, don't you like kids?"

    He would answer, "We love kids, but we could never eat a whole one." Excellent response. It's all in the delivery.

    They are now parents. Oh, how time changes people.

  8. My mom keeps asking me when I'm going to have kids and I'm single. She skips right over the boyfriend/husband/marriage parts and just wants to know when I'm having her grandkids.

  9. My dad starting asking my sister and I when we were going to have kids when we were like...18. I wouldn't want a big wedding either. Just be sure that when it comes your turn, you do what YOU want, not what someone else wants. Cause I mean, it's YOUR day, not theirs.

  10. Haha, I actually talk about the wedding stuff here: http://twenty-x.blogspot.com/2009/03/screw-having-wedding-lets-elope.html ;)

  11. Loving your blog! Especially this post - I dread going to my boyfriends parents house for this very reason - even though his sister (who is 10 years older than me) just just just had a baby...

  12. I stumbled upon your blog and this post hit me closest to my heart.

    My in-law (specially my MIL) are hell bent upon pointing it out in front of any one and everyone that I am the one to be blamed for it!!

    Ugh! sick and irritated because of this!

  13. whoa this is seriously like the 4th post i've seen on the blogosphere about this! must be spring.. ;P

    yeah, i am terrified of having kids still and i'm almost 26. glad you recognize that you're not ready at 24.. even tho people your /our age and younger have babies.. yikes!

  14. Many of my friends have children (in and out of wedlock) and ALL of them have said they weren't ready and should have waited. (I'm 25) I don't think it's odd to want to wait a while to get married to have children.