Jan 27, 2010

Life goes on...

So a lot has happened since my last update.

The biggie is that Kellen graduated! His last college internship wrapped up last month, and he's been gainfully employed in a Big Boy engineering job for over a month now. I'm so proud of him and so excited that we are moving into the next stage of our lives together.

The wedding gets ever-closer. The date is March 16, which leaves us just over a month to get everything together and ready to go. I've been in touch with a wedding planner in Mexico, where we're getting married, and it seems like everything is going to be ready to go when we get down there. We won't be doing the legal wedding here in Oregon until after we get back (name change issues), but...that still will be happening VERY SOON.

On the budget front, we've been trying to figure out things like student loan payments (together, we've got an epic $90,000+ in student loan debt) and getting Kellen a new car. We were hoping his '96 police interceptor would hold out a few more months until we could get together a down payment for a new Outback (it's going to be his baby-totin' car...you know, in a couple of years when we decide to make babies for him to tote), but on his way to work one morning a few weeks back, it threw a rod. Goodbye, engine. Goodbye, police interceptor. We were at least lucky in that we still had the van from Kellen and our roommate, Max's trip to Burning Man, and when Max moved out earlier this month to start his semester abroad in Denmark, Max more or less gave his old '93 Civic to Kellen. It ain't pretty, but at least it drives! And it spares us a large car payment/insurance payment for at least a few months...

I'm almost at my 2-year anniversary at work. It blows my mind that time has passed so quickly. Now that Kellen is working, it's like we've officially become grown ups, as opposed to just pretending to be them. Kind of strange.

Anyhow, I'll try to update more once the wedding business is all out of the way. It's been busy, busy, busy for the past few months.

Jan 3, 2010

The good thing about these little emotional breakdowns?

I usually end up doing something when I have them, and I feel better about the steps I've taken later. They may be baby steps, but at least they're steps!

The frustration sets in...

After two blissful weeks of family, food, and presents--and only three short days of work wherein I had nothing to do but finish book 12 of the Wheel of Time series--I'm feeling very resistant to the whole idea of going back to work. I never thought I'd be working here for so long. I was going to make it through a year and, if there were no prospects for promotion on the horizon, move on to something else. Of course, right before my one year anniversary, the bottom fell out of the economy and I've spent the last year scouring job postings for something more appealing, only to find there are hardly any jobs out there at all.

I'm still not sure what I want to do with myself. I'm thinking about starting a master's program for HCI in the fall but it's so expensive and I'm not sure, not 100% sure, that that's what I want to do. I don't know what I want to do at all. I know I want to do something, but every time I come up with one idea, it just doesn't quite seem to be it.

I feel like I'm chasing mirages. Some dream job/perfect life that doesn't exist.

There are other things. When we got home this afternoon, I took one look around our apartment and wanted to cry. Everything is such a mess. There are a lot of things that need to be thrown out, even more that need to be organized and put away instead of placed in semi-related piles all over the house, and everything needs to be cleaned. For some of it, there is no other word than filthy.

I hate coming home to that. It seems like everything else in my life. A lot of cluttered useless bullshit that I don't need but can't throw away, endless piles of things that I don't know if I need or not and so I let them stack up, and so many corners where all the garbage has been pushed, instead of being tossed out.

I'm so frustrated with everything, but mainly with myself. Why can't I make a decision? Why can't I choose a direction? My whole life, I've always had a clear plan. Ambition, goals, drive. Now there is nothing to move toward. At least, nothing definitive.

I don't know what to do.