After two blissful weeks of family, food, and presents--and only three short days of work wherein I had nothing to do but finish book 12 of the Wheel of Time series--I'm feeling very resistant to the whole idea of going back to work. I never thought I'd be working here for so long. I was going to make it through a year and, if there were no prospects for promotion on the horizon, move on to something else. Of course, right before my one year anniversary, the bottom fell out of the economy and I've spent the last year scouring job postings for something more appealing, only to find there are hardly any jobs out there at all.
I'm still not sure what I want to do with myself. I'm thinking about starting a master's program for HCI in the fall but it's so expensive and I'm not sure, not 100% sure, that that's what I want to do. I don't know what I want to do at all. I know I want to do something, but every time I come up with one idea, it just doesn't quite seem to be it.
I feel like I'm chasing mirages. Some dream job/perfect life that doesn't exist.
There are other things. When we got home this afternoon, I took one look around our apartment and wanted to cry. Everything is such a mess. There are a lot of things that need to be thrown out, even more that need to be organized and put away instead of placed in semi-related piles all over the house, and everything needs to be cleaned. For some of it, there is no other word than filthy.
I hate coming home to that. It seems like everything else in my life. A lot of cluttered useless bullshit that I don't need but can't throw away, endless piles of things that I don't know if I need or not and so I let them stack up, and so many corners where all the garbage has been pushed, instead of being tossed out.
I'm so frustrated with everything, but mainly with myself. Why can't I make a decision? Why can't I choose a direction? My whole life, I've always had a clear plan. Ambition, goals, drive. Now there is nothing to move toward. At least, nothing definitive.
I don't know what to do.